Empowerment

I like to feel sorry for myself, in order to make myself feel better. Quite ironic, but that is how it works. If something goes wrong, I convince myself I really have a bad life and I pile on the pity. In reality, I know there are tons and tons of people who are far worse off than me. And that I am in fact so fortunate with everything I have. In any case, one of the things that constantly upset me is that I always have to be the person that goes to the most trouble regarding basically anything. Why can’t I just be the one that doesn’t care? That will never happen, I guess, because I love to make people happy. And I know you shouldn’t just do stuff for others to expect something back, but at one point you are going to get tired and frustrated if no one ever does something for you. Something that is actually so sad, is that I am so very shocked nowadays when someone just does something ordinary for me. And it shouldn't be like that. I should be able to feel that I deserve it. And the simple reason for that is, I do deserve it. I deserve to be treated in a special way. If only I can demand it in real life, and not just on this blog.

End of the world

I’m hesitant to admit this, but I’m scared about the prediction that the world will end in December this year. I know it’s silly to believe it and I actually know it won’t happen. But you can’t just not think about it! I know it isn’t only me who has this little ‘what if’ voice inside their head. You think about what you would have achieved by then and of all the things you wouldn’t have been able to achieve. You think about all the things you still wanted to see in life. I’m second year at varsity know, if the world is really coming to an end, I haven’t really had all that much time to live. And I really can’t help but to think about where I will be that supposed last night or with whom I’ll be with.  It’s scary thoughts and I easily get myself worried about it! It doesn’t matter that I tell myself that it is complete nonsense and that no one knows when the world will come to an end. I don’t listen to myself. The thing is, I know there have been previous predictions and none of them came true. But not so many people talked about and went on about those as they are now doing with the Mayan prediction. The hype is just so big.

The day after it didn’t come true, I will just laugh about it with everyone and make jokes about the epic fail of the apocalypse or whatever you want to call it. However, I will secretly be relieved that I am still on earth! That I lived to see another day. Oh how I wish I wasn’t so full of doubt. If only there was a How to not worry about the end of world predictions book. Okay, there probably is one. Or at least an article about it somewhere on the internet. I will go and see. And I will read it if I find it. You can count on that.

Getting by

I have not blogged in a long, long time, but seeing some of my friends starting a new blog, got me excited to write again. During the past month or so, I have learned so much about myself. I think I even might have changed a bit. Some of them were difficult times; some of them were fun, carefree times. I can just say I am extremely glad to have gotten through the difficult times. I know it probably helped me to become stronger and it shaped me, but looking back at it now I realize how fragile I was during that time.

It had a lot to do with my relationship with my boyfriend. We sort of finished our “honeymoon phase” and it really started to show. I truly never knew I could have such wide ranging emotions over a period of one day, as I discovered lately. I started seeing problems in our relationship, that wasn’t nearly as big as I was making myself to believe it was. It messed with my head, I cried, I became angry, I felt hopeless.

I then just decided enough was enough, and I will try and handle this maturely and speak to him about what’s bothering me. This actually went down way better than I had imagined, and I wondered if I was maybe crazy for getting myself so completely worked up. I realized then that perhaps I was not crazy. That I was just over-tired, over-analytical and maybe a tad bit over-sensitive. I will need to work on that. For the time being, everything is going well. I will definitely try to keep it this way. But plans don’t always work out, and that is life.